savagepiss:

(This was written in December. I did not have the emotional fortitude to edit until now. It was unfiltered and written during my first and only time watching the movie. At this point all I have left of it in my conscious is a nightmarish stream of tooth puns and a lingering sense of unease. I wouldn’t recommend watching this movie unless you have a compulsory need to see Stephen Merchant in tight pants, but this rambling mess will make a lot more sense if you have seen it.)

Why am I watching Tooth Fairy? Apparently because I hate myself and love Stephen Merchant. This is the part where I fall off the precipice. It’s the end. Here I am, throwing myself into the abyss, just to watch Stephen Merchant prance about in a white suit. And I hate The Rock. I’ve always hated the Rock. I remember seeing trailers for this fucking movie and thinking, “Good lord that looks insufferable”. And just look at me now. I could be watching Justice League. I AM ON BREAK, FOR CHRIST’S SAKE. Goodbye, dignity. Hello, Smerch.

Oh god. I’m going to end up watching Hall Pass too, aren’t I? What happened to me?

Spent about thirty fuckin’ minutes trying to find this thing. Here we fuckin’ go, better work. GOD I HATE THE ROCK, JUST GET TO STEPHEN ALREADY GODDAMNIT BLUEBALLS. WHAT THE FUCK IS HOCKEY?

Tracy is Stephen, right? He’s like a giraffe or something? That’s cool. Make the movie go faster, please.

God, look at the Rock and his stupid awful dancing. 

“I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE TO THE TOOTH?” ARE YOU SHITTING ME? God, I wish I was drunk.

OH GOD JULIE ANDREWS WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THIS HORRIBLE FILM?WHO FUCKING WROTE THIS THING? I FEEL VIOLATED. WHAT THE HELL IS THIS SHIT? WHAT? BILLY CRYSTAL GET OUT OF THERE. GET OUT. SAVE YOURSELF! GOD, WHAT? WHAT? THAT DOESN’T? WHAT? THAT MAKES NO. THAT IS SO STUPID. GOD, FUCK.

I’m torturing myself, really. This is torture. It’s as though it were written by a child. A child that I want to beat to death with a sledge hammer. It’s like hell. But Stephen is so… I mean, it’s an awful, awful film but even so he’s so cute, and I like watching him look at the wings. It makes me feel funny.

(It pretty much continues like this, but then there’s a shift in mental state around 1:10 )

1 hour and 10 minutes in:

I’ve reached a state of zen, almost. A sort of painful euphoria. I weep, but through this pain I know I prove my devotion. It is a righteous pain, it will purify me, so that I may enter the kingdom of Merchant. I will pass through the fires of the Rock’s horrific facial expressions, and come out a new being, purer and more powerful than ever before. Consume me, horrible movie. Consume me so that I may be reborn. A pleasant sort of buzzing fills my being. And there’s Tracy, sitting on the goal. He’s looking right at me. He knows. IT’S ALL FOR YOU TRACY. IT’S ALL FOR YOU.

(And then we get to the bit with the ice machine)

I AM PISSING. THIS IS THE WORST THING I HAVE EVER SEEN. OH MY GOD, THE ROCK LOOKS SO STUPID. TRACY WHAT IS THAT? IS THAT A WEINER? DEM LEGS.

EW GET THE ROCK AWAY FROM THAT CHILD, PLEASE. EW, LOOK AT HIS FACE, I’M GOING TO VOMIT. RUN LITTLE GIRL, RUN! RUN FAR AWAY, PLEASE!

And then the movie ended. I have nothing more to say, so let’s end on this: http://zimie-stef.tumblr.com/post/8998382043